How not to name a TV network

A longtime SC interest has been the odd choices of names that businesses pick for themselves, and so he can't help but single out this AP article on the merger of the struggling UPN and WB networks. According to the article:

Two small, struggling television networks, UPN and WB, will merge to form a new network called The CW, executives from the companies that own them said Tuesday.

That new name, "The CW", bombs on so many levels, only highly-paid executives could have come up with it. Calling it "The X" makes a certain amount of sense, as one of the merger partners promoted itself as "The WB" -- but last time SC checked, they wouldn't be doing this merger if The WB actually was demonstrating they were doing enough right to survive alone, including branding themselves. As for "CW", your host assumes it stands for "CBS and Warner Bros.". It's lacking something, though...like the three-letter names of, oh, every other broadcast network.

Now, SC wouldn't watch a TV channel just based on their name, but you'd think that of all the characteristics of successful broadcast TV brand names, they would have noticed a pattern: ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox (yes, that last one isn't an acronym, but CBS officially doesn't stand for "Columbia Broadcast System" anymore, either, so let's not quibble). If you add cable, you can toss CNN into that mix. And TLC. And USA. And TBS. And TNT. And AMC. And A&E. And MTV. And VH1. And BET. ([And Sci-Fi and ESPN, too, wiseguy? -- ed.]) It's not an absolute requirement, but SC predicts this two-letter naming idea will end in tears.

Your host feels especially safe in that prediction for reasons we'll get back to at the end. But there's a gem of a time expression problem to get to first. Take their proposed broadcast schedule -- please:

Leslie Moonves, chief executive of CBS Corp., said the new network will air 30 hours of programming seven days a week aimed in part at young audiences.

At first, your host thought this was some kind of silly corporate-speak about working so hard, they go for 25 hours a day, or 366 days a year, or some nonsense like that. Actually, it's just sloppy reporting (although it may be an accurate quote). The official CBS Corporation press release makes more sense:

The CW will incorporate The WB's current scheduling model, which consists of a 6 night-13 hour primetime lineup including Monday through Friday nights from 8-10 (EST/PST); Sundays from 7-10 (EST/PST); Sunday from 5-7 (EST/PST) outside of primetime as well as a Monday thru Friday afternoon block from 3-5 (EST/PST) and a 5-hour Saturday morning animation block. Together, the network will program 30 hours a week over seven days for its affiliated stations. (emphasis added -- SC)

The problem is that, admittedly without having heard Mr. Moonves speak, SC is almost certain that he really did say "we'll air 30 hours of programming seven days a week". Suits do that sort of thing.

We'll close with the best reason for thinking the merger of the two worst-run networks in American television is going to go badly, given in the last sentence of the original article. After a half-hour of trying to come up with a good zinger to follow it, your host has decided that it transcends mere mocking.

Barry Meyer, the head of Warner Bros., said the network would be run by the current executives of UPN and WB.

Comments

[polyglot conspiracy]

I don't think Fox counts, and not just because all the other abbreviations (CBS, NBC, etc.) don't really stand for their original words anymore. You still don't say "F-O-X," and it still has only one syllable. Whereas with the three-letter networks - and A&E - there are three syllables that go along with them. Might it be syllables and not actual letters/characters that are important?

Moderately successful channels with abbreviations of less than three letters/characters: FX, M2, HG, WE, E!